By the Scribbler…
For every married couple, the romantic vision of the wedding night is something to relish at the end of the best day of their lives.
We are all aware of the dream…
- Champagne on ice;
- Rose petals scattered over the bed in a heart shape;
- Candles flickering;
- A gigantic queen-size four-poster bed, decorated with beautiful drapes;
- Perhaps a bubble bath by candlelight;
- A doting partner, lavishing you with compliments and love;
- And not forgetting some sexy lingerie and – of course – the passionate consummation of the marriage.
However, what do they say about best-laid plans? The Scribbler never reveals his or her sources, but a straw poll of married friends reveals a rather different picture of this night of supposed passion.
Forget the dream – the realities of the wedding night for these folks included escapades such as:
- Carried over the threshold? Not unless you count carrying the takeaway pizza (and probably another drink smuggled from the wedding venue) as you crash through the bedroom door and fall over the bed, headbutting the wall.
- Passing out drunk as soon as your head hits the pillow. Ah, married life!
- A distinct shortage of rose petals – your new life partner obviously never thought to do this… and in any case this ‘job’ got axed when boat-shaped place-name settings where still being made at 2am on the MORNING of the wedding.
- No more money left in the pot for Champagne or being all ‘Champagned out’ from daytime drinking. A cup of Horlicks, a comfy dressing gown and slippers await…
- Forget the aphrodisiac – the most effective passion-killer known to man is the challenge of undoing the 200 tiny buttons on the back of the wedding dress and working out how to tackle the bra strap-type clasp attached to the corset. Don’t worry, he’ll get there in the end, if you give him until morning. The day after tomorrow. But your patience may wear thin after 12 hours of having squeezed into the painfully tight gown.
- Talking of passion-killers, how about spending the wedding night with a snoring bridesmaid passed out in the bed in the middle of you and your husband or wife, because said bridesmaid has had her ‘bag nicked, with keys, purse and phone’. Kick her out on the street? Or look after a damsel in distress? Memo for the husbands out there: Do whatever it takes to keep your new wife happy.
- And, believe it or not, your very first argument as husband and wife might be sooner than you think. How about that risqué line in your speech that didn’t go down quite as well as planned? Or has someone had a few too many glasses of bubbly?
- What’s worse than your first married argument on your wedding night? How about your first married argument on your wedding night in A&E? Some crazy dance moves have resulted in a fractured ankle. Let’s hope you can still get a refund on that once-in-a-lifetime trekking honeymoon in the Himalayas.
- Sexy lingerie? Ha! That can wait for another day. By the time you’ve struggled out of the dress, which is like ‘Fort Knox’, you will either have collapsed onto the bed asleep, wearing nothing more than the unsightly spandex you had to wear for the dress to fit, or you’ll roll into the arms of your partner… but given how much you’ve had to drink, hanky panky is the last thing on the menu…
Considering these wedding-night horror stories, maybe everyone should just forget about the wedding night myth. Perhaps the second night of your marriage is the one to go for… well, that’s if you’re not too hungover, exhausted or resting up from that fractured ankle!
Enjoy married life folks – you’ll have the rest of your lives to enjoy the romantic nights of your dreams!